The lorry driver shortage is a genuine national crisis and hauliers are throwing money at the emergency to retain staff and hire new ones. Secret Trucker answers the call. I wasn’t expecting the call because its Tuesday lunchtime. Big Dave’s number usually means it’s the weekend and its beer o’clock.
Freshly armed with a pay rise, Big Dave’s current employer has offered a finder’s fee for any employee who can persuade a new lorry driver to join the ranks. Much like Tesco’s £1,000 inducement. In fact, that is where the idea came from. “Every little helps,” Big Dave concluded after suggesting I return to the open road in the livery of his current employer before proposing: “We could split the cash.” Money. People talk about money as if it cures all life’s woes. To a certain extent it does. It puts food on the table, pays the bills and just about stretches to a round of beers at the Nags Head. Spike Milligan best summed it up: “Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.” Out of habit I had renewed my heavy goods entitlement but there were stumbling blocks; the current Mrs Secret Trucker wasn’t keen, I wasn’t keen, and my Driver CPC had expired. I said we’d think about it. This isn’t just about me. I retired to spend more time with the most tolerant of the Mrs Secret Truckers to date. I’d been odd jobbing, socialising, relaxing, reading, cycling (in a fashion), drinking, snoozing, day tripping…in short, I enjoy retirement. The pandemic hadn’t really come into it. The kids are away, and although it was difficult not seeing the grandkids, regular online chats followed by social-distanced gatherings was a workable alternative to being there in person. Next day, Big Dave was back on the blower with an update. “He’ll stump up for the 35 hours,” he wheezed between drags. I had 21 hours but needed another 14. Last time I drove a truck in anger was before the pandemic; absence doesn’t always make the heart grow fonder. I’m double-jabbed and I’m not shielding anyone. And, I had to admit it, I didn’t feel overly confident about returning. The job is hard, relentless, and draining. Still…I was tempted. Day three. Big Dave has become a pest. “Money?” Big Dave replied in earnest: “Depends, £14.50 an hour on days or £180 a day for tramping plus night out money.” When I retired, I was on £11.50 an hour with receipts forever quizzed. Over fish and chips the wife listened as I created the argument for going back to work. The pension is safe; this is extra bubble. Work a two or three day week. I can jack anytime. By the time I rinsed the dishes ‘we’d decided’. I texted Big Dave. ‘I’m in’. The yard was a 40 mile roundtrip with a two hour induction for which I was given £50 (in cash) for me troubles. I was ushered through a one way system, given a temperature check and put into a Portacabin installed in the car park and joined by the transport manager. ‘Days to start with, and then let’s see’, I suggested. “Bring a sleeping bag,” came the reply coated with a grin. The money was as Big Dave said; £14.50 an hour with a minimum payment of 12 hours per shift. I did the maths; £174 a day for a five day week is £870 a week, if I last the year that is £45,240. And they say there is no money in transport. I’m past 66 (a clue) so there is no National Insurance or pension contributions for me just income tax, so I’ll take home £38,708, which is £744.38 a week. Christ on an electric-powered Bike. I felt giddy offered such lavish wages but there was also anger. Years of struggle juggling priorities when a lorry drivers wage was the thin end of fuck all. The money I wasted on booze and fags, the arguments, the bitter recriminations when you were ‘let go’ because of the last in first out policy. And years of being treated with such utter contempt by the likes of the transport manager now so keen to get me back behind the wheel at any cost. For once, external forces means hauliers now pay what I think a driver is worth. Who knows, had it been like this before it may have gone someway to retaining some of those that left the industry in their droves. Money, though, is just a sticking plaster covering the festering wounds beneath. Cost to even enter the industry is eyewatering and the return on investment is curtailed by insurance companies still wanting two years’ experience, then there is the work life balance, how drivers are treated, the disgustingly inadequate road infrastructure and lack of proper truckstops with space, security, food and decent welfare facilities, and then there is the aging demographic. All that passed by in the blink of an eye; £744.38 a week, wait until the Breadknife hears about this. I was booked onto two online courses there and then, and will be back on the road next Monday.
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August 2021
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