From delivery driver to fighter in the blink of an eye. My last drop was at the civic centre in town; a small arena used by the elected officials to host important events like the opening of an envelope or fundraising coffee mornings. I had a truck full of water bottles for a forthcoming British Brawling Association event taking place at the weekend; no water just bottles. No one was at the loading bay so I wandered around to the front to see if anyone was about. As I opened the door a dog bounded towards me, jumped up and took me down. I had the presence of mind to grab the pooch’s collar and attempt to restraint the canine as it began to lick my face. The dog’s breath was pungent, a hint of marrowbone and cheese. As the dog lost interest I was able to focus on the round silver tag. ‘My name is Buster’, was engraved on one side, on the other was embossed; ‘Buster belongs to The Boss’. An unruly crowd had formed around me shouting encouragement and insults in equal measure before a bald-headed guy stepped forward. He spoke with an American accent: ‘I want to thank you for catching Buster, say, what’s your name fella?’ I told him the first two words that popped into my head. He thanked me again and left with Buster. The facilities manager told me to go to the loading bay and someone would sort me out. The delivery went without a hitch. The following day I got a call from ‘Butch’, who described himself as an ‘agent to the fighting elite’. He informed me that I was now ranked 35th in the British Brawling Association’s heavyweight division on the strength of my performance against Buster. With an official ‘one and oh’ record I was to be matched with some Welsh guy a week Saturday. Apparently, Buster had taken this sap the full three rounds. I was a heavy favourite. I frantically called the British Brawling Association offices but only got an answer machine, so went online via twitter. I explained across several tweets that I was a lorry driver not a fighter, and I’d be on a reduced weekly rest next weekend so would find it difficult to get down to Croydon for Saturday’s contest, even if I wanted to do it, which I didn’t. The next day a British Brawling Association representative called to express his disappointment and talk me ‘round. ‘Let…me…tell…you,’ he said painfully slowly, ‘…you…can…be…a…uh…um…contender.’ ‘Let me tell you,’ I replied, ‘babies take candy from me.’ After a lengthy pause, came the reply: ‘We…could… ... ...match…you…with… ...a... …baby… ...holding… ...a… ...uh…um…lollipop...?’ Sky Sports started running adverts for the big British Brawling Association event in Croydon with me opening the bill against an opponent ‘yet to be confirmed’. So, with few options left, I held a hastily arranged press conference at the A1 truckstop at Colsterworth, once I’d filled out the paperwork and paid for parking, to announce my retirement ‘with immediate effect’ from the British Brawling Association. I thanked my family for their support and felt I was able to look back at my brief but hectic fighting career with pride. ‘I will,’ I said with surety, ‘remain undefeated.’ Subsequent ads on Sky Sports made no mention of my name or my retirement but did announce that Buster would be matched with a wet paper bag over three rounds. Ticket prices started at £70.
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